When Everything Feels Effortful

There are periods in my life when I have felt perpetually depleted of energy and motivation. Recently it has been a more present feeling which connects to my being immersed in some form of healing process whether conscious or subconscious. Healing requires energy....SO MUCH freakin energy! It often feels like spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical gymnastics. Unlearning and relearning is a different kind of strength training. Frankly, I just want to sit on the side lines with a mock-tail reading a book on a tropical island and avoid it all but that is not real life. That is avoidant passive living and a waste of space and time on this beautiful earth.

Our existence is purposeful and full of meaning but it is easy to get lost in the hustle of life. It is hard to not hyper focus on the pain caused by the road bumps along the way that give you whiplash. I am guilty of this.

Lord knows I have been tired.... darn right exhausted. I am in a season of life that requires a significant amount of rest. Expressing my state of affairs of being literally exhausted all the time does not come easy because I tend to be a "go-to" for a lot of things in my circle. I have pride myself on being able to execute tasks at a high level while under pressure. It is part of my unhealthy operating system of "get it done" at any cost. It is a toxic default mode. I understand more now that this kind of conditioning really cost me a lot in the area of self-care. It contributed to self-abandonment to a great degree.

Self care conversations were not as prevalent , encouraged and supported as they are now. It wasn't something that I learned to do until recently. Honestly, I am still learning and have a long way to go. Prioritizing everything else in excess over yourself for an extended period of time is a slippery slope. It'll land you in a pit of hot mess. I am not ashamed to say I know a whole lot about being a hot mess. I am a VIP passenger on Hot Mess Express.....choo choo right off the tracks.

When everything feels effortful, I often go inward and retreat like a bear in hibernation. It is typically a red flag that there is an imbalance in my life or that my priorities are not in a healthy natural rhythm. What I am uncovering is that my body is catching up with what has lived in my subconscious. It is what I would say is a delayed processing of sorts.

My healing work forces me to confront my unhealthy habits and coping mechanisms. Pivoting and shifting forward in the way of healing requires releasing some of my unhealthy attachments to my life experiences. Releasing them is a spiritual, mental and emotional tug of war though. I want to hang on sometimes but my hands are callous and need to let go.

I am learning how to self-reflect with less of a negative gaze. Over the last year I have become more curious about the narratives that I've told myself. I am more open and willing to lean in with curiosity and healthy inquiry. I am cultivating a more compassionate relationship with myself. I have many versions of myself that were shaped while in survival mode. Even though they did their job well, they no longer serve me.

Some days I battle with post-traumatic stress disorder (we'll talk more about this) and all the things that come with that. I hate that that is a part of my story but it is.

Every day I am reminding myself to rest. I am reminded that I have been pushing through for many years through loss, grief, and illness with a cape that says resilient. Truthfully I am darn tired of resilience. I am tired of pushing through and being praised for it.

In the words of Tricia Hersey of The Nap Ministry, rest is my birthright and I need it badly. I don't have to earn rest. I desire ease and wellness.

For the sake of my mental health and healing I have to and WILL say YES to me more. I will say YES to restoration and gentle nourishment to my spirit because it is necessary and I deserve it. My cup needs to be refilled and overflowing.

When everything feels effortful, know that it is.

I know I am at a pivot. point in life that will spring board me in an upward spiral ascension.

I know that I am being prepared for a higher calling.

I know that it calls for discipline, accountability and self care which is an act of self love that will bring me closer to my Lord and purpose alignment. The challenge will be to move forward with tenderness, gentleness, compassion and without haste because what is for me is healthy, whole and allotted specifically for me. It isn't going anywhere. It is waiting for my arrival.

Everyday I will continue to seek my Lords pleasure by trying my best all while knowing that grace will carry me as I take a step forward.

I will honor the wisdom of my body and heed to the universe summoning me to slow down.

My vessel is divine and has rights over me. In this season I choose to listen to it…while at rest.

I know it is being emptied and prepared for more.

If you have been struggling, know that you are not alone. Know that we all need community even though a lot of the growth work is individual. So get a good therapist and do the work!

I am here with you figuring out how to do better because what we have been doing isn't working and we owe ourselves so much more. The universe is calling your name.

Cheers to a new day and taking it one step at a time..

xoxo

Naimah